Discovery - How I Put Together the Clues

For years I smoked, constantly, every day.
There was no end to it.
Every day I wakes up, I would feel peace, no cares in the world, but
then, like my noisy tinnitus, the cravings made themselves felt.
The need to smoke was so overwhelming, it was difficult to think
beyond the next cigarette.
I'd grabbed the pouch, pulls out some shreds and lined them up on
the Rizla+ roll-owns paper, rolling them to my satisfaction and then
licking the edges and then rolling the paper into a cylinder.
And then lighting up, inhaling my first smoke of the morning,
deeply, feeling the slight rush of buzz warming me from the inside out.
I feel light-headed for a moment and then my body, amazing as it is,
adapted to the new conditions and I smoked throughout the day to get
to that rush buzz that I liked to get but could never get.
Every day I smoked, the less I felt any desire for anything else
except to drown my consciousness in my books, for adventures in far
places which I'll never see in my lifetime.
And year by year, living within my poverty allowance set by the
government, I try to block out my dreams, of being free, of being
healthy and most of all, to not smoke any more.
But such dreams are not possible. So I sought some way to find
information on how, if it is at all possible, to quit smoking, somehow,
in some way.
I did not care how long it would take me. For I had discovered a
problem.
My teeth was hurting, and smoking seems to hurt them some,
including some foods and I was worried and stressed as to how I could
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find some answers.
I found a way to find information and got online, over ten years ago
and it was a dial-up so I planned every move I make, the questions I
ask myself and the answers which will tell me how to solve my
problems.
But it took a lot longer than I anticipated.
I learned a lot of things over the years, some good, some negative. In
all, I learned that I have to accept that there are things I'll never see
happens, and things I can actually do. I was proud of myself.
I'd think of a problem, and I'd ask myself questions and figure out
answers and see if it is possible, by looking up the answers (and
questions) online, and there it is, it is possible to quit smoking, to give
the body better nutrition, and so on and so forth.
All you need to find answers is to ask yourself what is lacking in
your life and figure out how to solve that problem, or series of
problems.
I found quit smoking information to be the hardest thing to
understand. Most of it was so contradictory all they say is, "Just quit,
that's all there is to it." I don't see how it would be that easy. I read as
many books as I can get my hands on, ebooks, anything.
Until I found Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Quit Smoking, and his book
proved to me that smoking is inherent deep inside us, where we have
forgotten why we smoke at all, and the only one who knows is the inner
child inside us, the subconscious who believes anything without any
discrimination between facts and fiction.
It was an eye-opener, learning Carr's information. And this sets me
to thinking of my childhood, as to how and why I became a smoker in
the first place. I delved so deep I remembered a lot of things I thought I
had forgotten, but my subconscious recorded it all.
I found the right information, now I needed some sort of device,
something that would limited my ability to smoke.
I tested a few products.
One product, NicoBloc.
It was five or so years ago, and I was determined to quit. I felt ready,
though I had tried many times before.
I bought NicoBloc, for $60.00 AUD. I smoked harder than I ever
smoked before, just to get the same amount of high. NicoBloc just
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didn't work, for trying to cut down just makes it harder than before. It
would have been easier just to go cold turkey, but I stuck it out. I
bought more NicoBloc when I ran out, and ultimately I bought six
NicoBloc and it had not worked. There was one bonus, though. Each
time I buy the NicoBloc, there's a paper for free urine testing device to
check how much nicotine levels you have. So I tested two and saw I
was still full of nicotine. I determined to save the rest of the tests for
later when I can be sure I've quit for good. But when? That is the
question that plays itself on my mind for a long time.
Until I recall my father's adventure with quitting smoke with a
nicotine patch that was so strong he was dozing, even though the patch
on his arm was hurting his arm like hell. I wondered, though, about an
idea, of using that patch and seeing what it really feels like, and then
modifying the patch to reduced the pain and perhaps, to a lower levels
of nicotine, and that way, replace smoking with that half-patch. So I
tested that idea, and it worked like a charm.
The next thing I needed was to focus on something unrelated to
smoking in my life. I hardly have much memories of non-smoking
scenes, all I have is bits and pieces, but there's a few scenes in my
childhood that was perfect, and I brought that memory or series of
memories back to the present day.
I prepared my tools, and I got ready. It had to be at the right time, for
when no one will be needing me, demanding my time, for this or that. I
needed to be alone, to battle out the urge, the fever, the struggle to hold
to my dream of being free of the smoking man.